i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. i'm not qualified to be her doctor.

and how do i keep her alive with the constant threat to her health living under the same roof with her?

please help me God.

i have to give this to you Lord.

i will trust you to guide me, and give me the courage to act.

secrets

God must have a plan here.

i am facing this head on. i am choosing to walk through it no matter the consequences. my reputation is meaningless.

i will keep fighting the good fight, even if it costs me my life.

sometimes i have the sweetest dreams, and then there are nights like last night when they just ruin my whole day.

note to self

if you're doing your good deeds to be well thought of, for credit, a pat on the back, or even a thank you, then you're doing them for the wrong reasons. do good because it's what you've been called to do. there may be no reward. you may even be rejected for doing the right thing. not everyone is going to understand or accept that your motives are pure.

lay down your life for someone else. pour it out as a sacrifice, no matter how much it costs you. that's when you'll discover what true life is.

God sees you. He knows. you are alone, but you're not.

two more to go

chemo tomorrow. i'm always nervous before.

her ankles are so swollen. they look bad. her INR was real high on monday. they took her off the blood thinner for the time being. she had a bloody nose today. not ever good.

God i wish i could go through this for her. i would do it. i'd do it in a heartbeat. it would be easier for me, than watching her suffer.

servanthood

never think any duty is beneath you.

it isn't.

it's okay to be a nobody. embrace your nothingness.

the look

this experience has given me a new perspective. i look at people differently. i wonder how many are taking care of a sick person. do they have that 'thousand yard stare'? have they given up on being overly concerned about their appearance, cause it just doesn't matter anymore - life and death have taken precedence? or maybe there just isn't enough time to care for themselves.

i will remember today, to be patient with all.

more tests tomorrow

we had a good day today. to the doc's, and then to target!

i would almost rather shoot myself than go shopping, yet there i am, because, well, she is able to get out and about and that's what life is, right .... suffering?


in other news... it is good to see her getting her strength back this third week following treatment. the first two are the worst for fatigue, and the most risky for her. she is showing some cumulative side effects, though not experiencing any real pain. she is tired, but doing well for all she's been through. it makes me happy to see her upbeat.

i hope this keeps up. next week another session, so it begins all over again.



home earlier tonight, but i always feel like i left something undone. i have to get everything perfect, or i will torment myself about it.

it's only 8:00 and i can't wait to go to bed. i hope i sleep.

it's very hard for me to stay home. i want to go and help her, but i need to step away and let go for an evening every now and then.

he'll bring her dinner. she should be okay.

right?

on my way back over to get dinner ready ... waiting for the light to turn green ... feel like i'm going to fall asleep at the wheel.

i'm beat

thank God for ruth.

people need a mate in life....a best friend...someone who'll look out for them.

she's mine.

i spend most of my time at her house these days. beginning early in the morning if there are doctor appointments to get to. sometimes i stay all day, cause there are a dozen things she needs done. i had no idea how busy a person she was before. she never stopped moving.

not anymore. well, not for the time being anyway.

her white blood cell count was very low this week. they put her on antibiotics. she is SO tired. i'm worried.

she told me the other day she had 'lost her enthusiasm'. that is huge for her. even for the most ordinary things, she always had the energy and the desire to participate. i wish there was something more i could do. i can only be there to help, and love, and show her she is not alone in this battle. we will get her through this together.

today was her birthday. i'm so glad we got to spend it with her. i'm glad she's made it this far. the stroke has been the hardest part of all. she just is so limited in what she can do for herself, and the things we take for granted are ten times as hard to accomplish. but still she presses on. no choice but to keep going.


tomorrow is another day - she wants to take a shower. she's so exhausted, it's going to be tough, but i look forward to seeing her every day. life has more purpose and meaning now.

i guess i like being the one she can count on. i never was that person for her in the past.

still...i sometimes think if she'd had a choice, she'd have picked someone else.

but it's okay...really

i know now i am in this by myself. this is my job. i won't get much help from anyone else.

sometimes i wish i could walk away - i tried to a couple of times when she said i wasn't allowed to confront him - but i can't, it would be wrong. i know i am doing the right thing....something done for love....something way bigger than i ever thought i could do.

she lets me see her at her worst. i don't think she allows most people to see her that way. she puts on the cheerful face for others, but not always for me anymore.

even though i'm grateful she can be herself with me, i miss the friendliness.

and i resent how she is loyal to him, when he doesn't care at all about her.

i realized today i am still in shock from watching her have the stroke.

something cryptic

there are times in life when you have to take a stand against what you believe is wrong, even though you know you might suffer some terrible consequences.

i start my day with a nutritious breakfast ... candy bars ... butterfinger and/or nestle crunch.