maybe...

a life lived, looking out only for yourself, is the life that is not worth living.

hopefully her last chemo tomorrow. so many things are going wrong with her. a lot of people have had it worse, but none of them were my mom, so it never mattered as much till now.

i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. i'm not qualified to be her doctor.

and how do i keep her alive with the constant threat to her health living under the same roof with her?

please help me God.

i have to give this to you Lord.

i will trust you to guide me, and give me the courage to act.

secrets

God must have a plan here.

i am facing this head on. i am choosing to walk through it no matter the consequences. my reputation is meaningless.

i will keep fighting the good fight, even if it costs me my life.

sometimes i have the sweetest dreams, and then there are nights like last night when they just ruin my whole day.

note to self

if you're doing your good deeds to be well thought of, for credit, a pat on the back, or even a thank you, then you're doing them for the wrong reasons. do good because it's what you've been called to do. there may be no reward. you may even be rejected for doing the right thing. not everyone is going to understand or accept that your motives are pure.

lay down your life for someone else. pour it out as a sacrifice, no matter how much it costs you. that's when you'll discover what true life is.

God sees you. He knows. you are alone, but you're not.

two more to go

chemo tomorrow. i'm always nervous before.

her ankles are so swollen. they look bad. her INR was real high on monday. they took her off the blood thinner for the time being. she had a bloody nose today. not ever good.

God i wish i could go through this for her. i would do it. i'd do it in a heartbeat. it would be easier for me, than watching her suffer.

servanthood

never think any duty is beneath you.

it isn't.

it's okay to be a nobody. embrace your nothingness.

the look

this experience has given me a new perspective. i look at people differently. i wonder how many are taking care of a sick person. do they have that 'thousand yard stare'? have they given up on being overly concerned about their appearance, cause it just doesn't matter anymore - life and death have taken precedence? or maybe there just isn't enough time to care for themselves.

i will remember today, to be patient with all.

more tests tomorrow

we had a good day today. to the doc's, and then to target!

i would almost rather shoot myself than go shopping, yet there i am, because, well, she is able to get out and about and that's what life is, right .... suffering?


in other news... it is good to see her getting her strength back this third week following treatment. the first two are the worst for fatigue, and the most risky for her. she is showing some cumulative side effects, though not experiencing any real pain. she is tired, but doing well for all she's been through. it makes me happy to see her upbeat.

i hope this keeps up. next week another session, so it begins all over again.



home earlier tonight, but i always feel like i left something undone. i have to get everything perfect, or i will torment myself about it.

it's only 8:00 and i can't wait to go to bed. i hope i sleep.

it's very hard for me to stay home. i want to go and help her, but i need to step away and let go for an evening every now and then.

he'll bring her dinner. she should be okay.

right?

on my way back over to get dinner ready ... waiting for the light to turn green ... feel like i'm going to fall asleep at the wheel.

i'm beat

thank God for ruth.

people need a mate in life....a best friend...someone who'll look out for them.

she's mine.

i spend most of my time at her house these days. beginning early in the morning if there are doctor appointments to get to. sometimes i stay all day, cause there are a dozen things she needs done. i had no idea how busy a person she was before. she never stopped moving.

not anymore. well, not for the time being anyway.

her white blood cell count was very low this week. they put her on antibiotics. she is SO tired. i'm worried.

she told me the other day she had 'lost her enthusiasm'. that is huge for her. even for the most ordinary things, she always had the energy and the desire to participate. i wish there was something more i could do. i can only be there to help, and love, and show her she is not alone in this battle. we will get her through this together.

today was her birthday. i'm so glad we got to spend it with her. i'm glad she's made it this far. the stroke has been the hardest part of all. she just is so limited in what she can do for herself, and the things we take for granted are ten times as hard to accomplish. but still she presses on. no choice but to keep going.


tomorrow is another day - she wants to take a shower. she's so exhausted, it's going to be tough, but i look forward to seeing her every day. life has more purpose and meaning now.

i guess i like being the one she can count on. i never was that person for her in the past.

still...i sometimes think if she'd had a choice, she'd have picked someone else.

but it's okay...really

i know now i am in this by myself. this is my job. i won't get much help from anyone else.

sometimes i wish i could walk away - i tried to a couple of times when she said i wasn't allowed to confront him - but i can't, it would be wrong. i know i am doing the right thing....something done for love....something way bigger than i ever thought i could do.

she lets me see her at her worst. i don't think she allows most people to see her that way. she puts on the cheerful face for others, but not always for me anymore.

even though i'm grateful she can be herself with me, i miss the friendliness.

and i resent how she is loyal to him, when he doesn't care at all about her.

i realized today i am still in shock from watching her have the stroke.

something cryptic

there are times in life when you have to take a stand against what you believe is wrong, even though you know you might suffer some terrible consequences.

i start my day with a nutritious breakfast ... candy bars ... butterfinger and/or nestle crunch.

hopeless

what is there left to do when a person becomes CONVINCED that God doesn't care about them?

if she dies, i will blame myself.

.....

i feel like i'm all alone in this.

i feel like i am responsible for keeping her alive.

okay, i admit ... it is draining.

my hair is so brittle it is breaking off and falling out in chunks.

i have taken to wearing a hat whenever I leave the house.

i hate wearing a hat.

well, that lasted a whole ten minutes.

Isaiah 53:7

"He was oppressed and He was afflicted,

Yet He did not open His mouth;

Like a lamb that is led to slaughter,

And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers,

So He did not open His mouth."


he stood before his accusers, and didn't say a word in self-defense. he could have called an army down from heaven to prove them wrong. he could have silenced them all without lifting a finger, but he didn't. he came for one purpose: you and i. he came to do his father's will, not to make a name for himself, not for attention or praise or glory.

it's human nature to want to set the record straight. no one wants to be misunderstood. no one wants to be slandered. we want the truth to be known, but God says, "wait. don't do it. I will." but we don't usually have the patience to wait for him do we?

'i have to say something. i have to clear my name.'


the hardest part of all...obedience to stay silent. in the end, the only one i have to answer to is God. were my motives good? was my heart pure? he will be my judge - not them.

radical

Matthew 5-7

5:1-48

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be exceeding glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

6:1-34

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

"This, then, is how you should pray:
"'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

7:1-29

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'

"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.

"But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall."

And so it was, when Jesus had ended these sayings, that the people were astonished at His teaching, for He taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.

i figured out the message...through all the crazy, it came to me - you shouldn't keep someone from experiencing the pain of life. they have to go through it eventually, and by "protecting" them from feeling it now, you're just putting it off for a time when it will be worse.

there's a lot to be said for being silent

i believe it now ... there are no coincidences.