save me ..somebody

musical relief

blood tests at the cancer center. something is up, and it's only been 13 months since her last chemo. is that all the time we bought her? that's IT?! f$#%!

oh my God. i am not ready for her to go through this again.

"And God himself will be there with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain. All these things are gone forever..."

truth doesn't stop being truth when it becomes inconvenient.

be careful with your words.

...but not so careful that you're just plain boring.

i'm terrified she's going to figure out she doesn't need me anymore.

day terrors

why can't i stay invisible?

love listening to this

PTSD!

little mercies

please God let me sleep tonight.

not excited for the new blog design, but i don't know how to put it back.

overexposure

truth

why do i care about getting approval from someone who doesn't even like me?




...because i am an idiot.

live in the red letters

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

thinking about 9/11 today. ... and my friend Adam.

on always having to be right

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free . . . —Galatians 5:1

A spiritually-minded person will never come to you with the demand—”Believe this and that”; a spiritually-minded person will demand that you align your life with the standards of Jesus. We are not asked to believe the Bible, but to believe the One whom the Bible reveals (see John 5:39-40 ). We are called to present liberty for the conscience of others, not to bring them liberty for their thoughts and opinions. And if we ourselves are free with the liberty of Christ, others will be brought into that same liberty— the liberty that comes from realizing the absolute control and authority of Jesus Christ.

Always measure your life solely by the standards of Jesus. Submit yourself to His yoke, and His alone; and always be careful never to place a yoke on others that is not of Jesus Christ. It takes God a long time to get us to stop thinking that unless everyone sees things exactly as we do, they must be wrong. That is never God’s view. There is only one true liberty— the liberty of Jesus at work in our conscience enabling us to do what is right.

Don’t get impatient with others. Remember how God dealt with you— with patience and with gentleness. But never water down the truth of God. Let it have its way and never apologize for it. Jesus said, “Go . . . and make disciples. . .”, not, “Make converts to your own thoughts and opinions.”"

living out Christ

read this.

to be yourself

maybe no place is truly safe.

i love her

but sometimes, she genuinely drives me crazy, and there's no point in pretending otherwise.

peace

Grace is the key - extending it. receiving it. this is the secret.



figuring out how to hold on to it for more than ten seconds ... that's the part i'm sure i'll never get.

twloha

read this. it's good.

June 1st

the day of her stroke.

there is a lot to say about this day. so much. i don't have time right now, but i will tell this. i have been thinking about it for a whole year. i need to do it justice.

unbelievable

alone

someone DO something!

this is as tragic and horrifying as 9/11.

my two cents

i can't believe the gulf oil spill is ongoing for more than a month!

someone from British Petroleum should go to prison.

struck down but not destroyed

one year since the surgery and diagnosis: ovarian cancer.

to me

the only tragic life would be one where you didn't love at least one person more than you love yourself.

grateful for humiliation

i think sometimes you have to go to the very bottom, before you can learn the grace and mercy you need to be restored, and to help others be restored.

read it. it's good

people matter

if something is easy to walk away from, then it does not qualify as a "struggle".

he who humbles himself...

“But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner."

nothing hidden

“Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. The time is coming when everything that is covered up will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known. Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear!"

he is risen

thank you God.

every time she coughs, my heart sinks. every time, i think it's starting all over. i am sure i'm going to screw this up again.

...in the operating room as we speak...

nothing happens outside of God's hands. i want to believe that.

...but part of me doesn't.

please pray for mom.

obsessed

maybe it's okay to be single-minded, if you are pursuing the kingdom of God.


I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.

But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.

For I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.



put all your eggs in one basket.


live out of balance.

a word

"For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose hearts are completely His."


don't give up. he will find you.

40 days

for lent, mom gave up chocolate. apparently she feels she hasn't suffered enough. and every night after dinner we are turning off the tv and reading from the bible. it is so good.






but life without chocolate ... it just isn't right.

oh me of little faith

sometimes, i feel overwhelming terror about what medical crisis we are going to face next...

i am not ready for her to go.

just judge that he is

"I for my part am already being poured out like a libation. The time of my dissolution is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. From now on a merited crown awaits me; on that Day the Lord, just judge that he is, will award it to me - and not only to me, but to all who have looked for his appearing with eager longing."

perfect love does not regret

love without hesitation.


love without exception.


love those who hurt you.


love with abandon.


love the ones you want to hate.


love the impossible.

crowder

Awake, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

the time has come

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."

hey me

being authentic, like being humble, is not something you have to TRY to be. you either are or you aren't. God may have to crush you to dust in order to erase every last trace of falseness and pride.

let Him.

grace

"In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe."

~From Kornfield, Jack (2004). The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace, Bantam Books, NY.

mrs. rogers

my birthday on the 12th - spent it with ruth and mom. "sushi" from winco - woohoo. good times. i didn't even have to wash my hair.

almost got broadsided ash wednesday by a gal running a red light. luckily i was turning left. i still don't understand how the heck she missed me. i think it was Angels. i swear i saw her car glide through the front end of the volvo, but nothing, no crash, just ... holy cow! holy cow! holy cow! (although i said something much worse) HOW ON EARTH DID SHE MISS ME???!! what if mom had been in the passenger seat?!

the next night - thursday - there was an actual car chase down hillsdale in front of mom's house. two police cars chasing a truck, down one way, then back the other. i ran outside and watched the truck whip past the second time, with the sirens following. pretty exciting. ruth was on her way over just then, and i prayed the truck wouldn't smash into her. oh my god! still don't know what was up - stolen car maybe?

just another week in the neighborhood. well, mom's anyway.

pride

Then Jesus said: "I came into this world to divide it, to make the sightless see, and the seeing blind."

Some of the Pharisees around him heard this, and said, "You are not calling us blind are you?" To which Jesus replied:

"If you were blind there would be no sin in that. 'But we see,' you say, and your sin remains."

the very hairs of your head....

i am still trying to fix things...still living in the past on many days. if only i can be perfect, i will finally be worth love.

we got through the last year, and all mom's health woes, and she is still plugging away....but the 'if onlys' plague me. she could have had a different life if not for my incompetence - is what i tell myself. everyone else tells me i saved her, but i know the stroke...the stroke...the stroke...it never should have happened. i convinced myself.

yet, i am hopeful and cheerful for her every day - and it's real. i'm grateful for the time ... she knows it.

God is still here, counting the hairs.

don't forget them

The Ark Children's Homes Promotional Video from Silas Allan on Vimeo.

the journey

we are - all of us - on a journey...alone, directionless, forgotten.

tragedy is where true joy is found. a life untouched by suffering is no life at all.

He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that made us whole, and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-5

I tell you all this that in me you may find peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take courage! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

a haiti weblog

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/

2009

the year that changed everything...